Bell’s palsy. Really?

Someone said to me recently that, in light of all the troubles lately, I should have faith in the universe. Things will work out. It will all come together. Trust in the universe, she said.

Yes, well, the universe has been kind of a dick to me lately, and just the other day, it saw fit to give me Bell’s palsy. Awesome!

Bell’s palsy essentially just ruins your face. Half of it stops working, and you can’t blink or chew right. There might be some drooling. Speech is also messed up — I can’t say P’s or F’s right. Phrases like “I’m a people person” are tough to say. And taking away F-words diminishes my vocabulary by about a half.

A quick Internet search will let you know that George Clooney had Bell’s palsy. And that chick who’s married to Tom Cruise. So that should make me feel quite a bit better, right? Of course it does.

You’d think that with modern medicine being what it is, some fancypants scientist would have figured out some kind of solution to this stupid disorder. But no. You just have to sit there with your stupid drooping face and live with it. Eventually, it goes away (most of the time).

George Clooney had Bell's palsy

I have a lot in common with George Clooney. Among our many similarities is the dreaded Bell's palsy affliction.

Bell's palsy

Of course I look like this more than I look like George Clooney. Thanks, Universe. Thanks a lot.